It’s time to face the inevitable: Tonald Dump is the Leader of the Free World. Yes, the orange-haired, baby-fisted, yuge winner is now the most powerful man in the world. Like most people, I have some very strong feelings about Mr. Drumpf and was actually going to post this on the day of the inauguration, but when the day came, I felt kinda numb, by Saturday afternoon I had full post-Obama blues. However, I’ve realised that the only way to get through the next four years of President Dorito’s reign is to do what he hates the most: and that’s to point out his many flaws.
A note: if you voted Trump, I respect your freedom of choice so respect my freedom to disagree with you politically. Also, please stop reading this post now, it’ll only upset you.
Emperor Babyfists has been compared to many political leaders, Mussolini, Hitler (that’s a little dangerous) and African dictators being the popular choices. However, I like to go back a little further in time when making horrible comparisons so, much like The Tonald did throughout his campaign, I’d like to take you back to a better time. Imagine if you can, the world without hacker and WikiLeaks, a time before ‘bigly’ was a word and political leaders didn’t boast about their genetalia…actually maybe the Emperors of Rome were doing that last one…*
*I’ll also be applying a five-star rating for each candidate!
We’ll kick things off with a young man who drank crushed gold and pearls, spent the eight years worth of military funds in a year, and had a thing for his relatives:
–Caligula 12 AD- 41 AD: Gaius Caligula has come to represent every cliche of opulence and excess that we associate with Roman Emperors. Believe it or not, Caligula’s ascent to power was widely celebrated by the people of Rome. The young emperor was, after all, replacing his uncle Tiberius, a man who had grown cruel and paranoid during his long rule. However, the alleged means that Caligula got to power should be enough for people to speculate that the new Emperor was a little unhinged. Tiberius passed away in his sleep while staying in his villa in Capri, at the time his nephew Caligula was his guest/ prisoner and allegedly Caligula arranged for the smothering of his uncle. Roman historians are split on whether Caligula hired a guard named Macro or committed the murder himself, but this gruesome rumour has endured throughout history.
While this early murder in tenuous — there were plenty of people willing to bump of Tiberius — Caligula managed to do more than enough damage after this to cement his place in the books as a monster.
“He not only emulated but even surpassed his predecessor’s licentiousness and bloodthirstiness.” Cassio Dio, Book LIX Rome, Chapter 6
Caligula’s childhood was spent in the army (where he earned the nickname Caligula, meaning ‘little boots’), his father Germanicus was a war hero who incurred the wrath of Tiberius, maybe due to his popularity and success. Over the years, Caligula’s family was ripped apart by Tiberius, his father murdered and his mother and two brothers forced to commit suicide on the orders of the mad old emperor. Somehow Caligula lived through the tyranny of his uncle, and the first twelve months of his rule were euphoric. However, the following summer Caligula suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown which baffled doctors. During his period of illness, senators panicked, one promised to fight gladiators if the emperor survived. Miraculously, Caligula did but, to the misfortune of the Roman populace, he was a changed man. The senator who had promised to fight gladiators was promptly ordered to fight gladiators and Caligula began to demand increasingly bizarre displays of loyalty from his subjects, including forced suicides. By 39 AD there were rumblings of a resistance among the senate and Caligula reacted by resuming the treason trials originally started by Tiberius, purging the senate and noble families of any enemies. Senators were humiliated in the gladiatorial ring, hacked to death in front of the general public.
Executioners were told victims ‘must feel their deaths’ taking delight in inflicting and viewing the torture he’d commanded. Much like POTUS Drumpf, Caligula was infamous for his sexual appetite, getting through four wives (two of which he’d stolen from other men) and supposedly indulging in incestuous orgies with all of his sisters. Caligula’s favourite sister was Drusilla, and when she died, he demanded that she was worshiped as a goddess.
“He lived in habitual incest with all his sisters, and at a large banquethe placed each of them in turn below him, while his wife reclined above” Suetonius, The Twelve Caesars
Like Nero after him, Caligula’s sexual desires were not limited to just women and historians record the emperor of demanding sex from senators, family members and prisoners both male and female.
Much like Tonald Drump, Caligula’s blinkered vision of foreign policy divided the nation, and the Emperor’s foreign endeavours were nothing short of a disaster. Keen to exercise military prowess Caligula mounted an invasion of Britannia, sailing to the English shore with a large army. Upon arrival Caligula ordered his men to collect the seashells on the beaches, these were taken back to Rome and presented as the spoils of a nonexistent war that Caligula was adamant he’d won. Believing himself a true war hero and living God Caligula decided to antagonise the Jewish community by commissioning a solid gold statue of his likeness which was to placed in the Temple of Jerusalem — a direct insult to the Jewish God.
Caligula even had his own version of Trump Tower planned out, in the form of a temple, dedicated to himself, that the surviving noblemen and senators were ordered to pay for. Unlike Trump Tower, the temple was never completed as, on the way back from the theatre, Caligula was murdered by the Pretorian Guards and members of his own family.
“Thus Gaius, after doing in three years, nine months, and twenty-eight days all that has been related, leaned by actual experience that he was not a God […] Now he was spat upon by those who had been accustomed to do him reverence.” Cassius Dio Book LIX Rome, Chapter 29-30
Tonald Dump rating: ****
-Cambyses birth date unknown -522 BC: Like Emperor Babyfists, Cambyses had the misfortune of replacing a well-liked, charismatic leader… which is never easy. Cambyses was the son of the Emperor Cyrus the Great who united the two Iranian tribes the Medes and the Persians to found the country of Persia and the Achaemenid Empire. Cyrus was known as “king of the countries” (or the whole world) and on his death in 530BC Cambyses assumed this title.
Even though some of our memories of Caligula are fabrications, it’s obvious that Caligula did more than enough economically, domestically and internationally to be considered a true tyrant.Much of what we know about Cambyses is taken from the chroniclers Darius and Herodotus and, while it’s not all bad, there are plenty of black marks by the Persian King’s name!
Cambyses is accused of drunkenness by Persian historians, and Herodotus claims the king was responsible for killing the Sacred Bull of Apis shortly after his successful conquest of Egypt. The Apis Bull was supposedly for which he severely punished for by madness and blindness. More worryingly, Cambyses is also charged with the murders of his sister (who he’d been sexually involved with) and his brother Bardiya. However, it’s not Cambyses’ sexual appetite that he is most famous for, it’s his foreign policy. I think it’s fairly obvious that Cambyses could never quite match the achievements of his father (who could?) but he did make a pretty good stab at it. As mentioned above, Cambyses led an impressive conquest against the Egyptians even gaining the title of Pharaoh from the incumbent Psamtik III. Herodotus was critical of Cambyses’ cruel rule over Egypt claiming:
“I have no doubt that Cambyses was completely out of his mind; it is the only possible explanation of his assault upon, and mockery of, everything which ancient law and custom have made sacred in Egypt.” Herodotus, The Madness of Cambyses
After this initial triumph, Cambyses began to plan expeditions into Ethiopia and the Oasis of Ammon (modern day Siwa Oasis in Egypt). The march on the Siwa Oasis was to be his undoing. The Oasis was home to a majestic temple dedicated to the Egyptian sun god Amon-Ra which still stands today. Like many temples in the ancient world, it housed an oracle (known as the Oracle of Amun) who Cambyses held a grudge against. Oracles were often sought out by Classical leaders to predict the future, in the case of Cambyses the Oracle of Amun had predicted that his further endeavours into Africa would eventually fail. Enraged, in 524 BC Cambyses sent an army of 50,000 to threaten the Oracle into submission. This march was a disastrous decision on the Persian King’s part, as he was still attempting to march on Ethiopia and couldn’t realistically afford to lose an army that large. Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse very quickly, for, on the way to the Oasis, the army vanished without a trace.
“A wind arose from the south, strong and deadly, bringing with it vast columns of whirling sand, which entirely covered up the troops and caused them wholly to disappear” Herodotus, The Madness of Cambyses
Cambyses never matched his triumphant Egyptian conquest and was forcefully disposed of by a man posing as his murdered brother Bardiya. The usurped king would later die mysteriously during a trip to Syria in 522 BC.
Emperor Babyfists rating: ***
Apollodorus, Tyrant of Cassandreia exact dates unknown: Not much is known about Greek politician Apollodorous, but his tactics weren’t too dissimilar from the car crash that was the 2016 election. Apollodorus had designs on becoming the ruler of the city of Cassandreia. To do this, he befriended the people of the city and, once he’d gained enough of a following, revealed his true colours, plotting to install himself as a tyrant. During his time as a private citizen, Apollodorus carefully chose his words presenting himself as something of a patriot. When he was first accused of plotting to deprive people of liberty, Apollodorus put on a show in front of the judges, wearing all black and flanked by his wife and daughters, he prostrated himself in front of the people, purposefully humiliating himself. Sadly, the judges fell for the act hook line and sinker and let him go. Soon after Apollodorus’s plotting paid off and he rose to power, shockingly, his first act of terror was to direct his anger the very judges who had let him off the hook.
Apollodorus, sourced much of his support from the lower classes, especially workmen and slaves, perhaps attempting a coup against the ‘elite classes’…Sound familiar? Polyaenus records a pretty gruesome account of a supporters meeting in his work Stratagems:
“He gained the support of a gang of slaves and workmen, whom he summoned to a private meeting. There he killed a young […] gave the body to the cook Leontomenes, who served up the entrails for them to eat. They all shared in this meal, and drank his blood mixed with wine, uniting themselves in a horrid conspiracy by these savage mysteries […] he [Apollodorus] seized power, and became the most cruel and bloody tyrant, that ever afflicted not only Greece, but any Barbarian nation.” Polyaenus, Stratagems, Book VI
Ok, so I’m not accusing President Babyfists of cannibalism — I’m sure Trump Steaks aren’t that bad — but the idea of a charasmatic liar who manipulates those around him to sieze power is too good not to write about! Apollodorus was eventually bested by Antigonus and the famous pirate Ameinias. Ironically, the tyrant was manipulated into softening strict guard of the city by false overtures of friendship…
President Cheeto rating: **** stars
Thutmose II 1510 BC- 1479 BC: Thutmose was the fourth Pharaoh of the 18th dynasty of Egypt and, to be honest, his inclusion on this list a little tenuous on my part. The Thutmose described in the history books was said to be heavily influenced by his wife, the infamous Hatsheput. Hatsheput was actually Thutmose’s half sister who Thutmose elected to marry to secure the throne. Thutmose’s reign is estimated to be around 13-14 years long and, for the most of it, things went smoothly until a sudden collapse of power and no son to take the throne. And this is where we get to the tenuous link to The Orange One, bear with me guys. Although the title of Exodus Pharoah is usually and incorrectly reserved for Rameses II, it’s likely that Thutmose is actually the most likely candidate for the role of the old testament tyrant. For those of you who aren’t sure: The ‘Exodus Pharoah’ is the Pharoah who features in the story of Moses in the Book of Exodus, and, because Biblical history can be so difficult to pin down, we’ll probably never be sure of who it really is. However, upon exhuming the mummy of Thutmose, archaeologists found remnants of cysts and boils in his stomach, which could be evidence of the plagues God supposedly sent to punish Egypt for enslaving the Hebrew people.
” Pharaoh said to Moses, “Get out of my sight! Make sure you do not appear before me again! The day you see my face you will die.” Exodus 10
So there you have it, a man that may have enslaved and persecutated a racial minority who was also influenced behind the scenes by a powerful woman…Ivanka anyone? Of course this may all be grasping at straws on the part of historians so, if it’s a case of Exodus-Schmexodus, sorry Thutmose! We’re cool right?
The Orange One rating: ** stars
So where do we go from here? What do we do now that the Small D is finally in the White House? Do we panic? Do we riot? No we do not, whether you’re in the USA or abroad, we must come together and try to bring about change in a positive way. Donate to charities liked Planned Parenthood, keep free speech alive by supporting impartial or left wing journalism and above all, remember that loves really does Trump hate.
Over and Out!